proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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