You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
