I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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