dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
