i already hear my dad disowning me
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
