I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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