First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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