your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.