why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
