Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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