Soap is not a condiment
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
