sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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