Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
