Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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