I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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