it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
