If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
