That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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