I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish they made helmets for livers.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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