Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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