If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
