Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
