I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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