So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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