don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
