It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
