I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
