Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
