I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
