yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
