So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
