You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
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Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
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There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.