Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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