Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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