Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
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ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
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