the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
