I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
