Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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