So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
