we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Text me some of your sweat
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