i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
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