please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
