I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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