I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
