you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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