The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
