Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
