just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
