Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
