I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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