My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
