my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
