i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
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There's always time for handjobs
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
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I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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