A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
