Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
