apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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