By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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