I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize