so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
