I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
