But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
