my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
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Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
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The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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