as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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