Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
