My nipple is on Facebook.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
