Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
